


If You Ever Even Cared at All

by lol-phan-af (lol_phan_af)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander Hamilton/Hercules Mulligan (unrequited), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Break Up, Cheating, M/M, Road Trips, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 14:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11465052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lol_phan_af/pseuds/lol-phan-af
Summary: Lafayette kissed John on the front doorstep of his apartment building three weeks before Christmas, and his lips tasted like peppermint and hot chocolate. John thought he was the luckiest man in the world in that moment, to love and to be loved by someone who could outshine the sun felt like a surreal experience, and their relationship was a galaxy of their own making.But surreal experiences become familiar after a while, and every star must go out eventually.





	If You Ever Even Cared at All

Lafayette kissed John on the front doorstep of his apartment building three weeks before Christmas, and his lips tasted like peppermint and hot chocolate. John thought he was the luckiest man in the world in that moment, to love and to be loved by someone who could outshine the sun felt like a surreal experience, and their relationship was a galaxy of their own making.  
  
But surreal experiences become familiar after a while, and every star must go out eventually.   
  
They were on the road somewhere outside Pennsylvania, Lafayette's hands gripped the steering wheel like he was trying to strangle it, knuckles white in the darkness. John watched him through half asleep eyes, wondered what he was thinking that made him so angry. Alex slept peacefully in the passenger seat next to him, soft orchestra music playing from where one of his headphones fell out.   
  
There used to a time when John and Lafayette were inseparable, when John couldn't go fifteen minutes without Lafayette being somewhere near him, where the affection they shared came in surplus. There was no shortage of love between them once, but now it felt like they were going through a famine.   
  
Hercules sat next to him, eyes closed, but John knew he wasn't asleep. He was tapping along to his music, probably swing music or broadway musicals he'd tried to get them into, head swaying along only slightly. This road trip was his idea, a way for them to blow off steam before their final year of college, and they all agreed. It seemed like a good idea then, but then Lafayette drifted away and John didn't feel so up to it anymore.   
  
They stopped at a gas station a few hours later, maybe in Pennsylvania, maybe not. Alex woke up to go inside and get grapes, coffee, and chocolate chip cookies, and Lafayette grinned at him in a way John never saw anymore. Hercules got out with him, wanted a slushie and that weird chocolate that only he liked, and John watched them as they left.   
  
"How long until we stop for the night, do you think?" John asked. He felt like he was talking to a stranger, not someone he once said he'd die for, someone he loved and still loved and could love again if only he reciprocated it.   
  
He didn't even look at him when he responded, "Two more hours, at least."   
  
"Alright."   
  
Silence hung between them until Alex came back, soft and still tired, unashamed in his pastel pink sweater and shorts with purple cloud patterns on them. He had two coffees in hand, ensuring that he wouldn't stay like that. He handed one to Lafayette, who grinned like the fucking sun and took it gratefully.   
  
Alex was kind, worked too much because he thought he had to, felt as though he fucked up everyone he ever loved and was terrified of doing it again. He loved with his entire heart and if things had been different, John didn't doubt that Alex would've been the one he fell in love with. Alex would've been the one to love him back.   
  
He shook his head. He had a boyfriend, now wasn't the time to think of what could have been.   
  
John woke up in his apartment, the cold winter heat whistling in through the crack in his window. Lafayette was nowhere to be found, his clothes missing along with him, but John didn't think anything of it. He pulled his comforter further over his shoulder and tried to fall asleep without Lafayette, but he ended up just lying there awake until he came back.   
  
As Lafayette crawled back into bed, he didn't notice that John was awake. His hands pressed into the memory foam and he laid down, smelled like sex and dryer sheets and John's heart stopped cold. With his eyes still closed, he turned to Lafayette, felt their smile as he cracked one eye open. Someone who wasn't John sucked a hickey into his skin, right on his collarbone where John would never see it, except of course if he was stupid enough to sleep shirtless.   
  
John should've asked. He should've asked why he wasn't enough, why Lafayette felt the need to sleep with someone else and then not do so much as to tell him about it. It wasn't like they were in love anymore, they were together because they were both cowards. Lafayette couldn't confess and John didn't want to be alone again, and it kept them in a balancing act and neither of them wanted to fall.   
  
John always wondered who it was. Who Lafayette went to one night and ended up betraying John's trust. He knew it was more than once, the unmistakable smell of dryer sheets and vanilla shampoo too evident to ignore. He wondered if Lafayette loved them, and that's why he kept going back. He accused everyone in his mind, but nobody seemed to know anything, nobody seemed to look guilty enough when they talked to him. Maybe they weren't guilty in the first place. Maybe they loved Lafayette too.   
  
The motel Lafayette parked in looked like the breeding grounds for shady deals and unsolved homicides, with something that could kill them probably living in the walls. The empty parking lot emphasized this, the cars on the highway almost speeding past the hellscape motel that Lafayette decided would be a good idea.   
  
The lock on the door didn't work, instead they were told by a man who smelled like cigarettes and weed to just jiggle the doorknob and push, which didn't put John at ease. Hercules pushed a chair in front of the door so that nobody would be able to get in, then set one of his bags that weighed more than he did on the chair to make sure.   
  
"I'm going to take a shower," Lafayette told them, and both Hercules and John jumped.   
  
"You're going to take a shower here? In the hell hotel probably crawling with bugs?" Hercules asked. Alex curled in a ball on the floor, trying to sleep still, the big circle glasses he wore crooked on his face.   
  
Lafayette nodded. "Yes, I'm not afraid of bugs. Plus, if this kills me then I won't have to drive anymore, and that's okay because I'm exhausted. I'll be out in fifteen minutes, you should probably check for bed bugs."   
  
John and Alex made Hercules do it, after all the bugs were more likely to be scared of him, the human skyscraper, than them, two sad toothpicks with minor fighting skills that didn't apply to bugs. Hercules rolled his eyes but did it anyway, delighted and surprised to find that there were none. Alex rejoiced and climbed under the covers at the bottom of the bed, then crawled all the way up before settling on the mostly flat pillow.   
  
"Why didn't I get my pillow from the car? This is going to fuck up my back," he whined.   
  
"I can go get it now, if you wanted," Hercules offered, but Alex shook his head.   
  
"Hopefully the scoliosis will curve my spine so far that it snaps and I die instantly."   
  
Hercules flinched. "Gross."   
  
"Shut up and come cuddle me, please."   
  
Hercules loved Alex, there was no question, and everyone seemed to know except the one person Hercules _wanted_ to know. Alex was blissfully unaware of the love that Hercules harbored for him, even though he carried his heart on his sleeve and looked at Alex like he was the sun. It pained John to watch, to see one of his best friends pine for someone he knew didn't love him back, he just hoped he'd move on one day.   
  
John watched Alex burn through people like he was trying to compensate for something. He dated Eliza Schuyler, broke her heart when he cheated on her with Maria Reynolds, moved on to sleep with Jefferson and Madison, had a run in with John Jay once, gave very vague details about his _exact_ relationship with Washington. Nobody was off limits to Alexander except the three of them, and John knew it killed Hercules inside.   
  
He didn't say anything, just grinned from ear to ear and laid down next to him, trying to keep a straight face as Alex turned so Hercules was spooning him. John could see the fireworks go off in his head, could feel his heart beating out of his chest. Hercules loved Alex regardless of whether Alex would love him back, and John wished he had someone willing to love him that unconditionally.   
  
Lafayette stepped out of the shower no less than fifteen minutes later, towel wrapped around his waist, hair held loosely in a scrunchie that looked like Alex's, water dripping down his skin. John watched him unashamed but then blinked and turned back to Hercules and Alex, laughing when he caught both of them staring.   
  
"Watch yourselves," John warned, grinning, and Alex blushed. Lafayette went back into the bathroom to get changed while John got into bed next to them, curling into Alex. He buried his face in the crook of Alex's neck, his hair tickling John's nose, soft sweater rubbing against his jaw. His heart stopped.   
  
His sweater smelled like dryer sheets, the vanilla shampoo he used giving John the answers he never wanted to find.   
  
"I'm ready to sleep now," Lafayette announced as he pulled up to covers to get in next to John, wrapping his arms around his waist and squeezing.   
  
John didn't sleep that night.   
  
They left early the next morning, woken up by Lafayette bringing them coffee and telling them they're headed to Philadelphia as soon as they were ready. So they _were_ still in Pennsylvania.   
  
"John, this is yours." They handed the cup to him and John took a sip, wincing at how gross it tasted. He forgot the fucking sugar. Alex was the only one who liked black coffee. _Alex_ .   
  
"Alexander," he whispered. Alex took his cup and walked away, and not even the bitterness of his coffee could match the bitterness in John's heart.   
  
It was right in front of him the whole time, but he never caught on. He wondered how many people knew other than him, if _Hercules_ knew, and they all kept it from him because they didn't want to hurt him. He wanted to know when it started, when they both stopped caring about him enough to do this to him, to continue doing it. He wanted to know if they loved each other, if they thought they had to hide it because John was too sensitive to hear the truth.   
  
The road trip wasn't interesting after John figured out his best friend was sleeping with his boyfriend, but he still smiled for every picture, cuddled up in between both of them when he slept and ignored the boiling anger he felt at both of them.   
  
They were outside of Chicago in another shitty motel, the sun still in the process of setting, when Hercules noticed just how angry John was. He pulled him outside for some fresh air, leaving Alex and Lafayette in the same room alone for the first time in a week, the exact thing John was trying to prevent.   
  
"Are you alright?" He asked, and John softened.   
  
"Yeah, I'm just tired from being on the road all the time. And yeah that was the point but after driving through Ohio and seeing nothing but fields-"   
  
"It gets tiring, I get it. I was thinking we could go out for dinner somewhere, though? We haven't eaten anywhere since the rundown McDonald's, it's been a chain of gas station snack food for two days now."   
  
"Yeah, sure, let me just go get Lafayette and Alex," John said, and Hercules nodded. John ran up the outside stairs to the second floor, opening the door a crack before he looked in.   
  
"Lafayette, they're going to be back soon," Alex warned, sitting cross legged on the bed as Lafayette pulled his shirt over his head, Alex's eyes raking down his torso.   
  
"I know that, that's why I said we had to be quick," Lafayette argued and Alex rolled his eyes, but got up from the bed regardless.   
  
"And what do we do if John walks in? If Hercules walks in? How do we explain your 'in a committed relationship' dick where it definitely _should not be_ ." He poked Lafayette's chest, smirking. John wanted to throw up.   
  
Lafayette kissed him, hands on his jaw. "You doubt my abilities, Alexander."   
  
"I'm not doubting a thing. You, however," he pushed Lafayette onto the bed and climbed on top of him, "doubt your resolve."   
  
Alex's hands worked over Lafayette's belt, and John shut the door with a soft click.   
  
Hercules looked up from his phone. "Did you ask?"   
  
"They said they weren't hungry," John spit and Hercules shrugged.   
  
John tried to ignore his rage as he ate with Hercules, but every time he spoke it came out like an insult, which just made him angrier at himself because Hercules didn't deserve it. He just wanted to sit in Panera and eat mac and cheese, he didn't ask for John's bitchy attitude.   
  
"I'm sorry," John apologized as they got in the car to leave. "I wasn't the best person to have dinner with, and you didn't need to have every word I said spit at you."   
  
Hercules shook his head. "No, you're fine. I imagine that whatever happened that made you so angry is valid, so I figured that I'll just let you blow it off until you're cool."   
  
"Thank you." John grinned at him.   
  
At this point, John should've just dated Hercules. Hercules understood John better than Lafayette. Lafayette was more of a concept than a person, and John always built him up to be something more than he was, some force of nature that John could go weak at the knees for. He wasn't that, the more John knew Lafayette the more John understood that Lafayette wanted the world, and he felt he was entitled to take it. He never cared about John, would throw him away the next time he got the chance. Maybe Alex would understand once Lafayette was through with him, too.   
  
"Hercules," John said once they were parked in front of the motel again. "Would you do me a favor?"   
  
"Yeah, sure? What do I have to do?"   
  
"Kiss me," John breathed. Hercules choked.   
  
"What? You, why would you? What?"   
  
"I know you're in love with Alex. I loved Lafayette. Alex and Lafayette are sleeping together," John explained in a rush.   
  
Hercules' shocked face melted, heart shattering. "What? Did you two break up?" Tears pricked John's eyes.   
  
"No, no we're apparently still together. Not sure if he knows that."   
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, John. Lafayette and Alex can go fuck themselves, you don't deserve that."   
  
"I'm begging you, Hercules, to just fucking kiss me. What do you have to lose?"   
  
John stared at Hercules, watched him consider the offer. He sat in front of his best friend, whose boyfriend is cheating on him with the love of his life. It didn't take long for him to make the decision.   
  
Hercules didn't kiss like Lafayette did. He kissed to mean something, to communicate something without saying a word. John held his jaw in his hands and climbed into his lap, careful to mind the gearshift and the steering wheel. Hercules didn't object, pushed his seat further back to accommodate him and bracing his hands against John's back.   
  
"We shouldn't do this," Hercules panted.   
  
"I know," John agreed, and Hercules reconnected their lips.   
  
Kissing Hercules didn't have the same satisfaction he thought it would. It was nice, it felt nice, but his heart sank every time he remembered what they were actually doing. He thought it would be beautiful, and that Hercules' lips would taste like sweet revenge, but they didn't. They tasted like vanilla ice cream and chocolate fudge, and John had to remind himself that once they broke apart, this wouldn't do a damn thing to help either of them.   
  
"We need to go inside. We can't, we can't-"   
  
"I know, John. I know. Let's go, we don't have to talk about it."   
  
"I'm sorry, Hercules."   
  
"Don't be, it was nice. Helped me forget about Alex for a little while."   
  
John grinned, but it didn't feel right.   
  
They could hear the screaming from the ground floor. Hercules and John glanced at each other before going up the stairs.   
  
"Lafayette, I told you-"   
  
"I know! I know you told me! I understand!"   
  
"Obviously, you don't! I told you, every single time since the first, that I will never be in love with you!"   
  
"I know you did!" He screamed. "But I never said I wouldn't fall in love with you."   
  
Silence hung in the air, both inside the room and out of it. Hercules took John's hand.   
  
"Lafayette."   
  
"You could never love me, I know. I know you love John and I know that _you know_ that Hercules loves you. What I don't understand is why you keep sleeping with me."   
  
Alex waited before answering, "Because you initiate it."   
  
John didn't realize what was happening until Lafayette's hand was on the doorknob, and by then there was nowhere else to run. Hercules took his hand back, both of them snapping away from each other.   
  
"John," he breathed, tears pouring down his face. Alex stood behind him in the room, but he wasn't crying. His face was red, fists clenched, wearing nothing but a pair of sweatpants.   
  
"Lafayette," John choked out.   
  
"I can explain."   
  
"You don't have to. I knew, for a long time. I just didn't know who with until last week."   
  
Lafayette blinked, more tears falling. "I'm _sorry_ ."   
  
"No you're not. You haven't fucking cared about me for a long time, if you ever even cared about me at all. Your apologies mean nothing to me."   
  
They broke up outside of Chicago on the steps to the second floor of their motel, and John didn't feel as bad as he thought he would. Lafayette apologized a million times over and John didn't accept any of them, because he knew that Lafayette would do it again if he was given the chance. John didn't cry, wasn't as angry as he thought he'd be, felt like a dead weight was lifted off of his shoulders as he walked away.   
  
Later, John watched brightly colored restaurant signs and street lights zipped by past them. Hercules stared at the road in front of him as he drove the rental car down the highway, starting the journey home as soon as John told him what happened between him and Lafayette.   
  
John didn't know what would happen tomorrow, what state they'd be in, what state he'd be in, but he knew it would be better than Lafayette and Alex, loved by and in love with different people, unable to get over it no matter how hard they tried. John and Hercules would heal together, and even if they were all each other had, that was enough.   
  
It would be enough. 

**Author's Note:**

> !!!


End file.
